Thursday, April 05, 2007
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
To Whom It May Concern... Yes YOU!
According to a new poll conducted by New Woman magazine, Elizabeth Hurley has the best body in Britain.
New Woman editor Helen Johnston said: “She is pencil-slim but still curvy, the ideal most women desperately want. For most of us, a body like Elizabeth Hurley’s would require a lifetime of sacrifice.”
Elizabeth Hurley has got to be one of the most beautiful women in the world, and her body is fantastic, especially for a 41 year old.
Second place went to the breasty Victoria Beckham, third to Myleene Klass, fourth to one of our favorite’s Kelly Brook, and in fifth place was Kate Moss.
New Woman editor Helen Johnston said: “She is pencil-slim but still curvy, the ideal most women desperately want. For most of us, a body like Elizabeth Hurley’s would require a lifetime of sacrifice.”
Elizabeth Hurley has got to be one of the most beautiful women in the world, and her body is fantastic, especially for a 41 year old.
Second place went to the breasty Victoria Beckham, third to Myleene Klass, fourth to one of our favorite’s Kelly Brook, and in fifth place was Kate Moss.
1st Day of School...
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?", she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?
"No," said the little boy..."It's a puppy!"
Austria's Five-Star Prison...
If you look at the figures comparing crime in Austria and crime in the U.S. you’ll notice something odd: although the U.S. has higher crime rates in virtually every category (murder, forcible rape, robbery, aggravated assault, etc…) the Austrians triumph in one category: burglary.
But why? Why is the rate of burglaries in Austria a whopping 40% higher than in the U.S.? I’ll tell you why: because Austrian minimum security prisons are fucking awesome! If you’re in Austria, and have a working brain, you should be trying to get into one right now!
And the prisoners all shout upon leaving: I'll be back!
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Monday, April 02, 2007
The Difference Between a Million, a Billion and a Trillion...
A million seconds is 13 days.
A billion seconds is 31 years.
A trillion seconds is 31,688 years.
A million minutes ago was – 1 year, 329 days, 10 hours and 40 minutes ago.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A million hours ago was in 1885.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A million dollars ago was five (5) seconds ago at the U.S. Treasury.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
A trillion dollars is so large a number that only politicians
can use the term in conversation... probably because they
seldom think about what they are really saying. I've read that
mathematicians do not even use the term trillion!
Here is some perspective on TRILLION:
Trillion = 1,000,000,000,000.
The country has not existed for a trillion seconds.
Western civilization has not been around a trillion seconds.
One trillion seconds ago – 31,688 years – Neanderthals stalked the plains of Europe.
Million: 1,000,000
Billion: 1,000,000,000
Trillion: 1,000,000,000,000
Quintillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000
Sextillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
Nonillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
Centillion: 1 followed by 303 zeros
Old Men...
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
10 Reasons You're Not Rich
The reason why you aren't a millionaire (or on your way to becoming one) is really quite simple. You probably assume it's because you aren't earning enough money, but the truth is that for most people, whether or not you become a millionaire has very little to do with the amount of money you make. It's the way that you treat money in your daily life.
Here are 10 possible reasons you aren't a millionaire:
1. You Care What Your Neighbors Think: Gotta keep up with the Joneses
2. You Aren't Patient: I was a patient when I had my tonsils out …twice
3. You Have Bad Habits: Is blogging a bad habit?
4. You Have No Goals: I’m a spectator in sports
5. You Haven't Prepared: I was prepared when I was a boy scout a hundred years ago…. but I forgot all I knew
6. You Try to Make a Quick Buck: A buck in the hand is worth two in the bush
7. You Rely on Others to Take Care of Your Money: And my laundry
8. You Invest in Things You Don't Understand: That covers a lot of territory
9. You're Financially Afraid: I’m a scaredy cat
10. You Ignore Your Finances: Do you know me?
OK, now that I’ve got that silliness out of me, here are the details of each of the reasons you’re not rich. They really do make sense.
Is Your Daddy's Car Still a ///Monster???
NOTE: Please stop/pause the music video before playing this clip!
NEW Drugs for Women...
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone n umber, or to lift the toilet seat.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
Landlords and the Complaints They Receive...
Here are some from British tenants:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
Skydiving Again...
Alright fellas, I've had a few emails now askin where the f*ck I've disappeared... Just been a bit off colour recently, had a bit of a hectic past few weeks and i'm finally back in S.A.
There's loads of stuff that needs posting, so watch this space...
Cheers :-)
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