Saturday, January 12, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
Quotes of the Day...
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ”Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin.”
– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased
to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have
since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
– Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
– George Burns
Santa Clause has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get
a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates
Blondes...
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
Totally Useless Facts...
The "pound" key on your keyboard (#) is called an octotroph.
The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
The "dot" over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
Table tennis balls have been known to travel off the paddle at speeds up to
160 km/hr.
Pepsi originally contained pepsin, thus the name.
The original story from "Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights" begins, "Aladdin was
a little Chinese boy."
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
Honey is the only natural food that is made without destroying any kind of
life. What about milk you say? A cow has to eat grass to produce milk and
grass is living.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The volume of the Earth's moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific
Ocean.
Cephalacaudal recapitulation is the reason our extremities develop faster
than the rest of us.
Pam Anderson is Knocked Up...
Pam Anderson is pregnant So you know that dude Pam Anderson married, wanted to divorce, wanted to be married to again, and now wants to divorce again? She’s pregnant with his kid. Ahhhhh, good times.
If this baby’s born with only minor birth defects I’d consider that a small miracle. Doesn’t this bitch still have hepatitis? Call me crazy but shouldn’t she maybe have her tubes tied or burned. And how does she know it’s Salomon’s kid anyway? Pam’s handled more wood in the past six months than a lumberjack.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Today In The Stock Market...
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cow steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
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Top Ten Thoughts For 2007...
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky … not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?
Number 2
In the ’60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven’t got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
And the BONUS thought for today
“Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow”
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Advertising Plagiarism...
Viagra advertising slogans.
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
1. Viagra, This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs!
Poor Old Dave...
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“She’s in the ladies’ bowling league, honey,” he says. “We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says, “Hi, Davey! Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabbie turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
Two Line Rhymes...
These are entries in a Washington Post competition asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line.
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so Are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws...
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, on a hill, in the fog, and 9 times out of 10, they'll have Texas plates on their car....
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
