1) Crying never killed anyone.
2) Babies cry to vent frustration, feel free to vent in the same manner.
3) If you hold your baby all the time, you’re only hurting yourself.
4) Pacifiers were created for a reason.
5) Cardboard boxes are cheap and an endless source of entertainment.
6) The TV makes a good babysitter when you find yourself out of options.
7) When all is quiet, evil is afoot. Run as silently as possible and peek on the child to ensure their safety. If all body parts are danger-free, silently shuffle away so as not to draw attention to yourself. Don’t ruin a good thing.
8) Cereal is one of the four basic child food groups. As is ketchup.
9) Fighting is an active part of playtime. If no blood is drawn, consider it a good day.
10) Tears do not mean game over. Tears mean that the game is just getting interesting.
11) Naptime is a requirement to ensure the sanity of parents. Skip naps at your own risk.
12) Babies are never too little to threaten. It will make you feel better and they are none the wiser. Please refrain from doing it in public.
13) It’s ok to play with yourself in public when you are 2.
14) Roughhousing is acceptable form of anger management. Toss that little bugger around to work off your stream. They enjoy it and you will feel less stressed at the conclusion. Like any ride at an amusement park, please make sure that all arms, legs and heads are safe at all times.
15) Early bed times are sometimes necessary for the continued health of all parties involved. However, 3:30 PM is a little early. At least wait until it’s dark.
16) The little hard heads of babies will be banged often as the child tests the durability of their skull. Bumps, bruises, and welts are a sign of an adventurous child.
17) Never sample baby food unless it’s of the fruit variety. Always avoid bananas.
18) Highchairs make good restraints.
19) A crib looks like a cage for a reason. When the little monster gets out of control and you want to have it put down, cage it instead.
20) Babies can’t reach doorknobs for many many months; milk that for all it’s worth.
21) Keep your floors clean. Babies prefer meals eaten off the floor.
22) An adult’s food is always better than what the kid is eating. Even if it’s the exact same food. Just as you were taught in kindergarten, share.
23) Give them nicknames like “little idiot” and “moron” while they don’t understand. Use it only when they continuously hit themselves in the head with things. Refrain from using those names in public.
24) If you ignore them, they will not go away. But learn to ignore them anyway.
25) Grandparents will love your kids more than you do on occasion. Use that love to get as far away from your kids as possible.
26) Saying you want to leave your kid on the front lawn is one thing, doing it will result in a visit from the police.
27) Unlike dolls, children feel pain.
28) Let sleeping babies lie.
29) There is no such thing as a stupid question. Ask it anyway. Sure, you might get laughed at, but at least you know. (Of course, if you ask a question like, “Is my baby hungry, I haven’t fed him in 12 hours?” Then you deserve to be whacked with a dirty diaper because that’s a stupid ass question).
30) Baby hugs work wonders on a bad day. Beware of juicy fingers and mucus while in the mist of a hug, as it will ruin the meaning of the hug.
31) Babies will not save your marriage. Babies will make a bad marriage even more difficult. Babies will also test the strength of good marriages. Babies are not for the faint of heart.
2) Babies cry to vent frustration, feel free to vent in the same manner.
3) If you hold your baby all the time, you’re only hurting yourself.
4) Pacifiers were created for a reason.
5) Cardboard boxes are cheap and an endless source of entertainment.
6) The TV makes a good babysitter when you find yourself out of options.
7) When all is quiet, evil is afoot. Run as silently as possible and peek on the child to ensure their safety. If all body parts are danger-free, silently shuffle away so as not to draw attention to yourself. Don’t ruin a good thing.
8) Cereal is one of the four basic child food groups. As is ketchup.
9) Fighting is an active part of playtime. If no blood is drawn, consider it a good day.
10) Tears do not mean game over. Tears mean that the game is just getting interesting.
11) Naptime is a requirement to ensure the sanity of parents. Skip naps at your own risk.
12) Babies are never too little to threaten. It will make you feel better and they are none the wiser. Please refrain from doing it in public.
13) It’s ok to play with yourself in public when you are 2.
14) Roughhousing is acceptable form of anger management. Toss that little bugger around to work off your stream. They enjoy it and you will feel less stressed at the conclusion. Like any ride at an amusement park, please make sure that all arms, legs and heads are safe at all times.
15) Early bed times are sometimes necessary for the continued health of all parties involved. However, 3:30 PM is a little early. At least wait until it’s dark.
16) The little hard heads of babies will be banged often as the child tests the durability of their skull. Bumps, bruises, and welts are a sign of an adventurous child.
17) Never sample baby food unless it’s of the fruit variety. Always avoid bananas.
18) Highchairs make good restraints.
19) A crib looks like a cage for a reason. When the little monster gets out of control and you want to have it put down, cage it instead.
20) Babies can’t reach doorknobs for many many months; milk that for all it’s worth.
21) Keep your floors clean. Babies prefer meals eaten off the floor.
22) An adult’s food is always better than what the kid is eating. Even if it’s the exact same food. Just as you were taught in kindergarten, share.
23) Give them nicknames like “little idiot” and “moron” while they don’t understand. Use it only when they continuously hit themselves in the head with things. Refrain from using those names in public.
24) If you ignore them, they will not go away. But learn to ignore them anyway.
25) Grandparents will love your kids more than you do on occasion. Use that love to get as far away from your kids as possible.
26) Saying you want to leave your kid on the front lawn is one thing, doing it will result in a visit from the police.
27) Unlike dolls, children feel pain.
28) Let sleeping babies lie.
29) There is no such thing as a stupid question. Ask it anyway. Sure, you might get laughed at, but at least you know. (Of course, if you ask a question like, “Is my baby hungry, I haven’t fed him in 12 hours?” Then you deserve to be whacked with a dirty diaper because that’s a stupid ass question).
30) Baby hugs work wonders on a bad day. Beware of juicy fingers and mucus while in the mist of a hug, as it will ruin the meaning of the hug.
31) Babies will not save your marriage. Babies will make a bad marriage even more difficult. Babies will also test the strength of good marriages. Babies are not for the faint of heart.
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