Shakira awaits.....
Friday, March 23, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Been Here Before...
Deja boo: The feeling that I've been frightened like this before
Deja coup: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before.
Deja clue: The feeling that colonel mustard has done it in the billiard room with the lead pipe before.
Deja do: The feeling my hairdresser has given me this cut before.
Deja eau: the feeling I've smelled this perfume before.
Deja fu: The feeling I've been kicked in the head like this before.
Deja who: The feeling I've known who was on first before.
Deja jew: The feeling I've wandered in the desert like this before.
Deja knew: The feeling that I remembered this information before (before the test, that was).
Deja loo: The feeling I've been to this bathroom before.
Deja moo: The feeling I've drank this milk before.
Deja mu: The feeling I've calculated the mean of this population before.
Deja new: The feeling I haven't experienced this before. (AKA, "Vuja De" - Nothing like this HAS EVER happened to me before.)
Deja ooh: The feeling I've exclaimed at these fireworks before.
Deja poo: The feeling I've stepped in this before.
Deja Q: The feeling I've encountered this entity before.
Deja rue: The feeling I've regretted this day before.
Deja stew: The feeling that this is made from the pot roast my mum served the week before.
Deja too: The feeling that I've experienced this before, also.
Deja two: The feeling that I've experienced this before, twice.
Deja woo: The feeling that you been on this date before.
Deja you: The feeling that YOU have experienced this before.
Deja zoo: The feeling that the monkey has done this in public before.
A Conversation...
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?''Oh, I don't know', said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?''OK'. she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
Bob Woolmer...
"His partnership with Hansie Cronje (captain) and Peter Pollock (convener of selectors) will, I believe for many years to come, remain one of the best combinations of people South African cricket has put together. "
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Drug Runner...
This thing flies across the English Channel three times per week and was just a blur on the radar of the British Coast Guard.
They were so blown away by the speed of the thing that they brought in a specialized chopper to catch it. What was on board......? 300 kg’s of pure cocaine!
20 Things I Learned From Mom...
Mothers, aside from bringing us to this world, play a great rule in giving the first lessons of life to us. We learn many valuable things from them, or we don’t? Here is the Top 20 things we have learned from our moms.
1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me about FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
6. My mother taught me about IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
7. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
8. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."
9. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
10. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
11. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
12. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
13. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
14. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
15. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
16. My mother taught me about ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you'll be cold?"
17. My mother taught me about HUMOR.
"When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
18. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
19. My mother taught me about GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
20. My mother taught me about WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
What Exactly Is Marketing...?
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
- That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing yourself slightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
- That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
- That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
- That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
- That's Spam.
Differences Between You and Your Boss...
1 When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
2 When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
3 When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
4 When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
5 When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
6 When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
7 When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
8 When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
9 When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
10 When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Why Men Are Never Published In Dear Abby...
Dear Abby,
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Women Are Never EVER Satisfied... -from a Female!
As usual, I was cruising the internet looking for something to read when I came across my latest target. A “women’s only” website posted the list below. Now, normally I’m all for debunking myths. For example I am glad to know that not all Mexicans work as gardeners. It also makes me happy to see that not all black people are in gangs and that all white people are not preppy annoying penis holes. Those myths are a pleasure to debunk. Now, the myths below perplex me. Why you might ask? Well, because I don’t think they’re myths at all. Being a female, I can say with a decent degree of certainty that numbers 1-7 are indeed true.
I know an assload of you women out there swear you are the perfect girlfriend and you’re probably cursing in the general direction of your monitor right about now. Well f**k you, you’re not perfect and neither is anyone else. Lets get on with it shall we?
The Seven Myths Men Believe about Women
Women are never satisfied
Women are high maintenance
Women want to control men
Women are jealous and possessive
Women are too emotional
Women who appear to be strong and competent don’t need to be taken care of
Women want to rob men of their freedom
Ok let’s take this slowly and one step at a time…
Women are never satisfied. Correct!
No, women are never satisfied. If you get a better job, she’ll want you to get a nicer car or a bigger apartment or a larger house. If you have the more desirable accommodations, she’ll then expect you to take her on better (read: more expensive) dates. Oh and don’t forget, the more you make the more expensive your f***ing Christmas and Valentine’s Day gifts should be. God help you if you show up with some shitty valentine and a box of chocolates. Hell hath no fury like a woman jipped, trust me. F**k being scorned; we’re scorned every week when we get a smaller paycheck for doing the same job as the dude in the next cube. Scorn we can deal with, cheap gifts we cannot.
Women are high maintenance. Bingo!
Of course we’re high maintenance. An individual who makes you call them before you go out, expecting a briefing on the activities for the night, is high maintenance. A person who expects yet another call the moment you cross the threshold of your dwelling to let them know you’ve gotten home, is high maintenance. A woman, who makes you plan every date you go on because you are the guy, is high maintenance. A lady that expects you to buy her flowers EVERY time some street vendor comes along to offer his wilted flora is high maintenance. A chick who makes you wait an hour before you can leave the house because she must first paint her face and do her hair and pick out seven different outfits, until she finds the one that makes her look desirable, but not slutty is high maintenance.
Women want to control men. ¡Sí!
If you hadn’t realized by now that a woman who buys you the clothes she wants you to wear, as opposed to the clothes that you want to wear, is attempting to control you, you’re hopeless and you should jump off a tall building. Splat bitch, you’re clueless.
Women are jealous and possessive. True!
What? You don’t think you’re jealous? You’re seriously going to sit there and tell me that, if you and your man were in a bar and some pretty, young thing were sending him drinks or winking at him, you wouldn’t get jealous? F**k off, Mother Theresa, I don’t buy it. The next time his cell phone rings at 3:00 AM I don’t want to see you flinch or scramble to grab it before he does so you can get a peek at the incoming call. As a matter of fact strike the phrase “that’s my man” from your vocabulary while you’re at it, since you’re not possessive either.
Women are too emotional. You got it!
I don’t see a whole lot of men crying at the movies. I also don’t see a lot of men that break down into tears when a particularly sappy commercial comes on the television. I’ve led a pretty diverse and interesting life and I’ve had the privilege/carry the bane of, having seen a lot of things. I’ve seen a lot and I can report to you, dear reader that I’ve seen ten times as many women throwing hissy fits in the street directed at their significant others than I have seen men doing the same. I also don’t know of too many men that get together and rent movies that are meant to be emotional roller coasters so they can cry in unison. I do though, know a shit load of women that do.
Women who appear to be strong and competent don’t need to be taken care of. [yes I know of is preposition, f**k off] Right!
Well, well, well, you only “appear” to be strong and competent, but really you’re neither. So, in essence you’re deceiving in order to manipulate. Hmmmm, that sounds pretty f***ing female to me, but I digress. Women who appear to be strong and competent don’t need to be taken care of. What they need is therapy so they can stop pretending to be something they’re not.
Women want to rob men of their freedom. Oui!
Freedom (n.) - A right or the power to engage in certain actions without control or interference.
-The preceding definition kind of infers independence then doesn’t it?
Independence (n.) - freedom from control or influence of another or others.
Now that we’ve gotten an idea of what freedom actually entails lets continue with our deconstruction of number six.
I’m assuming here that the bullshit website that posted this list of “myths” meant that these are seven “untruths” men believe about women they’re dating not just every woman under the sun. With this in mind, I’d like to delve a little deeper into the meaning and ultimately, the purpose of dating.
Dating (v. tr.) - An engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest.
Ok so now that we know the definition of dating we can continue. When we date we go out with someone we like because we’re romantically interested in them and would like to spend more time getting to know this person intimately. So what exactly is the purpose of dating in the long run? Do people intend on dating forever? Not the people I know. Most of those that call themselves my friends tell me that they’re dating to weed out the freaks and find someone they wouldn’t mind sharing a life with. Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to be married. It just means that they’re dating in an effort to elect the most appropriate life partner. Now, what I hear when they tell me this is: “I’m dating around to find someone I can live with and who I won’t want to choke the life out while they lay sleeping next to me a month or two into the relationship.”
Ok well that’s all well and good, but when you’re in a relationship (married or not) then you have to begin thinking for two (NO boys, you’re not already halfway there, thinking for your trouser snake does not count). What I’m saying is that in a relationship you have to compromise. I’m sure you’ll all agree with me there. Here’s the kicker though: there is no mention of compromise in the definitions of freedom or independence. I’m guessing it’s because if you want to be free and independent then it would be counterproductive to begin compromising. So, if you want to be in a relationship with a woman than you better learn to f***ing compromise now. If you’re looking for freedom and independence, go read the Declaration at the National Archives because you’re not going to find it in a woman who’s ass-deep in a “relationship.”
That’s right I said it, as women we’re all of the above. I’m not excluding myself because I already know I’m crazy and deranged, but guess who got me this way? Yup, a man, so don’t be so quick to high five each other you misogynistic f**ks. You dudes are just as f**ked as we are. Remember, in Penguin Territory, no one is safe.
Clarkson's TV Return...
JEREMY Clarkson has confirmed he will be returning to front a new series of Top Gear.
The TV presenter, 46, left the future of the BBC2 show in doubt last week after telling viewers there would "not be a new series".
But last night he said: "Everyone seems to think the programme is finished or that I've left.
"Well, sorry to disappoint you all but it isn't and I haven't. Top Gear... will be back in the autumn."
NOTICE!
Due to many complaints received, with immediate effect, we will no longer be posting ANY images on this blog!
Monday, March 19, 2007
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