Friday, June 15, 2007
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Childhood Lessons...
The best place to be when you're sad is with your dog.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Reading what people write on desks can get you through the test.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide broccoli in a glass of milk.
School lunches stick to the wall.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.
Never say "Last one is a rotten egg" unless you're absolutely sure someone is slower than you.
It's impossible to unlearn a bad word.
If you want a kitten or puppy, start out by asking for a horse.
Your room gets smaller as you get bigger.
You can't start over just because you're losing the game.
A snow day is more fun than a vacation day.
If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.
All libraries smell the same.
Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back.
Don't nod on the phone.
It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper.
The Pharmacist...
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy and walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Q&A for Those 50 and Over...
Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these".
It Could Have Been Worse...
Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date. Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''
And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''
Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''
Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse?
Your best friend just killed himself!''
Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''
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