courtesy of - A.E
Friday, April 13, 2007
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Property Investments...
Grapeshisha is advising people interested in investing in property in the UAE to invest in real estate in fantasy games like Second Life.
There are people in China who play these fantasy games all day long and then sell the stuff they earn for real money on e-Bay. In fact, there are even reports from China of people murdered for their virtual property.
Meanwhile, the alternatives in the UAE remain as terrifying as ever. From the time, several years ago, when Emaar starting selling empty sand while Nakheel sold empty Gulf for 30% down, and no history of freehold in the UAE, to today, when prices are up by more than 300% and the buyer must put 80% down before the villa is completed.
Since the actual costs were covered by the old prices, and since the UAE has lots of sand and lots of Gulf still available, it's hard to see how current prices can be sustainable. Emaar had to cut its dividend.
And, perhaps scariest of all, the local newspapers report that the demand for property is so great that prices can only rise, and the developers can only continue to mint money.
Meanwhile, the big developers have raised their asking prices by 50% just in the last four months; however, it is not clear if they are actually selling property at these prices.
So Grapeshisha is probably right, that, right now, fantasy real estate is probably a safer investment than UAE real estate.
Boys and Their Toys...
A very interesting and amusing documentary about 4 of the richest men in the Middle East and how they live.
Click here to view it.
The Litigious Palm Tree...
A palm tree is suing a drunk driver who crashed into it:
Ras Al Khaimah - A palm tree could have its day in court after a drunk-driver crashed into it. Due to the damage sustained to the tree in the collision, the case could now go to the civil court for a damages claim. The Ras Al Khaimah Traffic Court ruled earlier this week that a civil case could be launched by the victim - the palm tree.
How the hell does this work?
Does the tree uproot itself and lumber into court, trailing soil and sand all over the carpets? How does it speak? Does it rustle its leaves in a suggestive way, or does it creak its branches in some arboreal form of Morse code? Or perhaps it summons up a friendly dryad to plead on its behalf?
And what exactly is it going to do with the money it gets? Buy "tree bling" - solid gold tinsel and Swarovski Christmas decorations? Build itself a marble wall to keep out the other trees in its orchard? Hire forty servants to french polish its leaves and push its saplings around the shopping mall?
Or has the RAK calendar only just reached 1st April?
Out of the Mouths of Kids...
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. Their insight may surprise you...
Better to be safe than ....Punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the.....Bug is close.
It's always darkest before....Daylight Savings time.
Never underestimate the power of.....Termites.
You can lead a horse to water but ....how?
Don't bite the hand that ....looks dirty.
No news is....impossible.
A miss is as good as a .....Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new....math.
If you lie down with dogs, you....stink in the morning.
Love all, trust .....me.
The pen is mightier than the....pigs.
An idle mind is....the best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's ....Pollution.
Happy the bride who.....gets all the presents.
A penny saved is....not much
Two's company, three's....the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ....you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as....Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not....spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed....get new batteries.
You get out of something what you....see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind....get out of the way.
The Biggest Dog in the World...
Hercules was recently awarded the honorable distinction of Worlds Biggest Dog by Guinness World Records. Hercules is an English Mastiff and has a 38 inch neck and weighs 282 pounds.
With "paws the size of softballs" (reports the Boston Herald), the three-year-old monster is far larger and heavier than his breed's standard 200lb. limit. Hercules owner Mr. Flynn says that Hercules weight is natural and not induced by a bizarre diet:
"I fed him normal food and he just grew".... and grew. ....and grew. ....and grew.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Kids Talk About the Seas...
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy
Age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)
Perks of Being Over 60...
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you????
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM .
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can't remember where you got this list .
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Elizabeth Hurley Might Be Headed to Real Jail for Fake Wedding...
Elizabeth Hurley's Hindi In-Laws are so furious that they’ve actually followed Hollywood’s lead and disowned the actress. Now Vishnu Khandelwal, Hurley’s father-in-law, is filing legal proceedings to send the couple to jail! For, among other things, consuming alcohol at the wedding:
Liz Hurley refused to remove her footwear;
Pictures of them kissing in Hello! magazine is against the culture;
They drank alcohol before the marriage;
It is also alleged that Miss Hurley showed off excess flesh with her choice of attire;
Those found guilty of a “deliberate and malicious act” against the religion face a three-year prison sentence.
10 Things We Can Do To Reduce Global Warming...
I think we all understand that it is important to be concerned about our enviorment and the effect we are all having on it. However, I think it’s hard to figure out what we can each do to reduce our enviornmental damage. Here is a list of 10 things you can do to help slow down global warming. Also, you can calculate your carbon waste in the carbon calculator at the bottom of the list.
Install a programmable thermostat
Programmable thermostats will automatically lower the heat or air conditioning at night and raise them again in the morning. They can save you $100 a year on your energy bill
Plant a tree
A single tree will absorb one ton of carbon dioxide over its lifetime. Shade provided by trees can also reduce your air conditioning bill by 10 to 15%. The Arbor Day Foundation has information on planting and provides trees you can plant with membership.
Do not leave appliances on standby
Use the “on/off” function on the machine itself. A TV set that’s switched on for 3 hours a day (the average time Europeans spend watching TV) and in standby mode during the remaining 21 hours uses about 40% of its energy in standby mode
Take a shower instead of a bath
A shower takes up to four times less energy than a bath. To maximise the energy saving, avoid power showers and use low-flow showerheads, which are cheap and provide the same comfort.
Buy intelligently
One bottle of 1.5l requires less energy and produces less waste than three bottles of 0.5l. As well, buy recycled paper products: it takes less 70 to 90% less energy to make recycled paper and it prevents the loss of forests worldwide.
Buy fresh foods instead of frozen
Frozen food uses 10 times more energy to produce.
Air Dry Your Clothes.
Line-dry your clothes in the spring and summer instead of using the dryer. Save 700 lbs. of carbon dioxide and $75 per year, and add longevity to your clothes.
Run your dishwasher only with a full load.
Save 100 lbs. of carbon dioxide and $40 per year.
Avoid products with too much packaging.
Save 1,200 pounds of carbon dioxide if you cut down your garbage by 10%
Use Recycled Paper
Make sure your printer paper is 100% post consumer recycled paper. Save 5 lbs. of carbon dioxide per ream of paper.
Install a programmable thermostat
Programmable thermostats will automatically lower the heat or air conditioning at night and raise them again in the morning. They can save you $100 a year on your energy bill
Plant a tree
A single tree will absorb one ton of carbon dioxide over its lifetime. Shade provided by trees can also reduce your air conditioning bill by 10 to 15%. The Arbor Day Foundation has information on planting and provides trees you can plant with membership.
Do not leave appliances on standby
Use the “on/off” function on the machine itself. A TV set that’s switched on for 3 hours a day (the average time Europeans spend watching TV) and in standby mode during the remaining 21 hours uses about 40% of its energy in standby mode
Take a shower instead of a bath
A shower takes up to four times less energy than a bath. To maximise the energy saving, avoid power showers and use low-flow showerheads, which are cheap and provide the same comfort.
Buy intelligently
One bottle of 1.5l requires less energy and produces less waste than three bottles of 0.5l. As well, buy recycled paper products: it takes less 70 to 90% less energy to make recycled paper and it prevents the loss of forests worldwide.
Buy fresh foods instead of frozen
Frozen food uses 10 times more energy to produce.
Air Dry Your Clothes.
Line-dry your clothes in the spring and summer instead of using the dryer. Save 700 lbs. of carbon dioxide and $75 per year, and add longevity to your clothes.
Run your dishwasher only with a full load.
Save 100 lbs. of carbon dioxide and $40 per year.
Avoid products with too much packaging.
Save 1,200 pounds of carbon dioxide if you cut down your garbage by 10%
Use Recycled Paper
Make sure your printer paper is 100% post consumer recycled paper. Save 5 lbs. of carbon dioxide per ream of paper.
Men's Merit and Demerit Guide...
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are deducted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry,that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings......+5
In the snow .....+8
But return with beer.....-5
And no liners.....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College
drinking buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team.....-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-500
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in
responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"......-100
Any other response.....-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience......+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her
saying "well, what do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000
Game Over - YOU LOSE!
Beckham's Stolen Car...
A year ago, David Beckham’s BMW X5 was stolen from his home in Madrid. The car was estimated at £70,000. Now his stolen car is used as an official government vehicle in Macedonia.
The former England football captain, 31, was lunching when it was pinched from an underground car park. But newspapers in Macedonia yesterday published photos of the Interior Minister Gordana Jankulovska in the capital Skopje getting into a car believed to be the stolen 4x4.
Police spokesman Ivo Kotevski said: “Before it reached Macedonia, this vehicle had changed hands 20 times in Spain — so we have no proof that it belonged to Beckham.”
The Macedonian government began using the car as an official vehicle — as nobody came forward to claim it. Ms Jankulovska stated: “If Beckham asks for the vehicle back, then I will hand him the keys myself.”
The former England football captain, 31, was lunching when it was pinched from an underground car park. But newspapers in Macedonia yesterday published photos of the Interior Minister Gordana Jankulovska in the capital Skopje getting into a car believed to be the stolen 4x4.
Police spokesman Ivo Kotevski said: “Before it reached Macedonia, this vehicle had changed hands 20 times in Spain — so we have no proof that it belonged to Beckham.”
The Macedonian government began using the car as an official vehicle — as nobody came forward to claim it. Ms Jankulovska stated: “If Beckham asks for the vehicle back, then I will hand him the keys myself.”
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
R.I.P. - You Ugly Piece of Sh*t...
RS8 - Audi Supercar Prototype Burns Up On Nürburgring
According to spy shooter Hans Lehmann, the snapper who provided us with these unorthodox spy shots, this morbid grotesque is actually an Audi RS8, or should I rather say WAS. We’ll leave the brief telling of this sob story to Hans:
“With just hours to go on the last test day, the worst thing happened to the Audi test team. Just coming into the part Brünnchen at the Nürburgring, this million euro expensive Audi RS8 prototype caught fire and burned up totally. There is not much left of this super fast super car with a V10 engine. The only thing revealing that it was the RS8 are the wheels and the mid-engine layout…
…The fire really took it all; nothing is left from the aluminium body. Just the roll bar survived the fire making the remainders of the car look like a skeleton.
The fire was probably started by an oil or gasoline leak. But most important, the driver didn’t get hurt, according to our information.”
Stuur groete aan Mannetjies Roux... Standard 4 (1994)
MY OOM SE MOTOR IS 'N OU MASJIEN
HY MAAK DIT VOL MET DIESELIEN
EN HY SING IN DIE STRATE AS HY ONS KOM SIEN
MY OOM IS OUD EN EK IS SKAARS DERTIEN
MY OOM DRINK KOFFIE EN MY TANNIE TEE
EK VRA OOR DIE REËN EN HY SÊ JA-NEE
EN HY DRINK SOET KOFFIE MET SY EEN OOG TOE
EN HY PRAAT WEER OOR DIE DRIE VAN MANNETJIES ROUX
KOOR:
O STUUR ONS NET SO 'N BIETJIE REËN
MY OOM HET 'N TENK VOL DIESELIEN
EN SEËN MY PA EN SEËN MY MA
EN MY OOM OP SY PLAAS IN AFRIKA
MAAR MY OOM HET GESUKKEL OP DIE PLAAS
WANT DIE SON WAS TE WARM EN DIE REËN TE SKAARS
EN DIE MAN VAN DIE BANK HET NET SY KOP GESKUD
WANT MY OOM, JA MY OOM WAS TE DIEP IN DIE SKULD
MY OOM SE MOTOR IS 'N OU MASJIEN
HY MAAK DIT VOL MET DIESELIEN
EN HY RY NA DIE LANDE IN DIE OGGENDDOU
DIE LANDE VAAL EN SY OË GROU
HERHAAL KOOR
EN AS JY IN DIE OGGEND IN DIE LANDE STAP
HOOR JY NOG SY MOTOR MET SY KLAK-KLAK-KLAK
MAAR MY OOM, JA MY OOM SE OË'S NOU ALBEI TOE
IN SY BRIEF STUUR HY GROETE AAN MANNETJIES ROUX
HERHAAL KOOR
HY MAAK DIT VOL MET DIESELIEN
EN HY SING IN DIE STRATE AS HY ONS KOM SIEN
MY OOM IS OUD EN EK IS SKAARS DERTIEN
MY OOM DRINK KOFFIE EN MY TANNIE TEE
EK VRA OOR DIE REËN EN HY SÊ JA-NEE
EN HY DRINK SOET KOFFIE MET SY EEN OOG TOE
EN HY PRAAT WEER OOR DIE DRIE VAN MANNETJIES ROUX
KOOR:
O STUUR ONS NET SO 'N BIETJIE REËN
MY OOM HET 'N TENK VOL DIESELIEN
EN SEËN MY PA EN SEËN MY MA
EN MY OOM OP SY PLAAS IN AFRIKA
MAAR MY OOM HET GESUKKEL OP DIE PLAAS
WANT DIE SON WAS TE WARM EN DIE REËN TE SKAARS
EN DIE MAN VAN DIE BANK HET NET SY KOP GESKUD
WANT MY OOM, JA MY OOM WAS TE DIEP IN DIE SKULD
MY OOM SE MOTOR IS 'N OU MASJIEN
HY MAAK DIT VOL MET DIESELIEN
EN HY RY NA DIE LANDE IN DIE OGGENDDOU
DIE LANDE VAAL EN SY OË GROU
HERHAAL KOOR
EN AS JY IN DIE OGGEND IN DIE LANDE STAP
HOOR JY NOG SY MOTOR MET SY KLAK-KLAK-KLAK
MAAR MY OOM, JA MY OOM SE OË'S NOU ALBEI TOE
IN SY BRIEF STUUR HY GROETE AAN MANNETJIES ROUX
HERHAAL KOOR
Rooikoos Willemse...
Rooikoos Willemse was ’n sterk man, nou sommer donker sterk, en as ’n mens hom so van agter af sien wegloop het, het hy meestal gelyk soos ’n groot jongkalf wat nou net uit die dipbak uitwaggel. – Abraham H. de Vries
Monday, April 09, 2007
BMW 8-Series to Make a Come Back as a Four-Door Coupe?
Four-door coupes are currently a fast growing market. With the success of the Mercedes-Benz CLS, other luxury auto makers are realizing the need for a four-door coupe in their model lineup. Audi is already hard at work with Audi A7, which it confirmed earlier this March, and Porsche is almost done developing their Panamera. So what’s BMW’s answer? To bring back the BMW 8-Series as a four-door coupe.
Since the BMW 7-Series doesn’t fit the company’s sports car philosophy and will never be made as an ‘M,’ BMW CEO Reithofer is trying to push for the 8-Series to become the company’s four-door sports coupe.
The old BMW 8-Series saw the end of production in 1999, which was built in a V12 version that produced 300-326 horsepower and a V8 version that produced 286 horsepower. If the 8-Series goes back into production expect horsepower output to be substantially above 350.
Since the BMW 7-Series doesn’t fit the company’s sports car philosophy and will never be made as an ‘M,’ BMW CEO Reithofer is trying to push for the 8-Series to become the company’s four-door sports coupe.
The old BMW 8-Series saw the end of production in 1999, which was built in a V12 version that produced 300-326 horsepower and a V8 version that produced 286 horsepower. If the 8-Series goes back into production expect horsepower output to be substantially above 350.
Questions From Your Girlfriend That Aren't Really Questions...
You know the feeling: things seem to be going well with your significant other. The sex is great, the moments without sex are mildly tolerable, and she hasn't once gotten angry at you for ejaculating onto her favorite blouse. But then, of course, the questions begin. Those horrible, mind-numbing, soul-crushing questions that aren't really questions at all. We at DV have compiled a list of these, along with exactly how you're supposed to react to them.
“How do I look?”
What it really means: “Tell me I am attractive. Now.”
If there’s one thing human beings cannot stand, it’s the truth – and women are no exception. If your girlfriend walked out of the bathroom with her panties around her neck, mud rubbed in her hair and torn spandex pants, she’d still ask you how she looked and expect a complimentary response. In a way, she’s almost being generous – the boyfriend is given an easy excuse to earn brownie points by sycophantically praising his girlfriend’s physical attributes. Whether or not the boyfriend is lying through his teeth is irrelevant to the girlfriend.
How to deal with it:
Pretend to have your mind focused on something else for a second. Then look back at her, as if you just now realized she ask you something. The moment your eyes hit hers, suddenly act as if you have become overwhelmed with a wave of absolute astonishment – who is this beautiful woman, and how did she get here? Widen your eyes and try to look as childlike as possible, dumbfounded with amazement at her beauty.
These theatrics may seem unnecessary or silly, but one must realize that a simple “you look great” will result in nothing more than an argument and a likely denial of sex for the next 24 hours. If a woman deems it necessary to ask you how she looks, then she’s obviously spent some degree of effort on her appearance, and wants to be rewarded with an unusually positive reaction to it.
“Do you think she’s pretty?”
What it really means: “Prove to me you aren’t attracted to other women.”
Typically asked in reference to a female celebrity or supermodel, your woman is feeling insecure about the fact that many, many women on the planet are most likely more attractive than her. She needs you to show that “mainstream” attractive women hold no interest for you, because otherwise she cannot consider herself the most attractive woman in your life – if the whole of society agrees that they’d cut off four fingers if it meant they’d get to sleep with Angelina Jolie, then your stated lack of attraction toward her means that you find your girlfriend more doable than Lara Croft herself.
It’s complicated, but can be summarized like this:
-Everybody thinks Scarlett Johansson is gorgeous.
-If you think Scarlett Johansson is gorgeous, then that also means you think Scarlett Johansson is more attractive than your girlfriend, thus making your girlfriend feel less special than Scarlett Johansson.
-If your girlfriend thinks you don’t think Scarlett Johansson is gorgeous, then your girlfriend can continue to operate under the assumption that she is the most gorgeous woman in your life and that you are lucky to have her.
How to deal with it:
There are a dozen ways to handle this question, most of them pretty straightforward (“No” is the shortest and easier to remember), but this question presents a fantastic chance to subtly show your girlfriend how much you really care about her.
When she asks the question, only refer to the celebrity in question by drawing comparisons between her and your girlfriend. For example:
“Do you think Eva Mendes is pretty?”
“Well, she’s got sort of a nice body, but she doesn’t have your eyes.”
“I wasn’t asking whether or not she looks like me. I was asking whether you thought she’s pretty.”
“I don’t understand. I just told you she wasn’t pretty -- she doesn’t have your eyes.”
She’ll pause for a minute, and then come to the realization that you are essentially using your girlfriend as the standard of beauty to which all other girls will be judged: she’ll be so flattered that she might manage to have long, arduous sex with you without crying once.
“Where do you want to go tonight?”
What it really means: “Read my mind.”
In all relationships, the time comes when the passion is over and done with, and the couple is required to actually go somewhere in an effort to stave off boredom. When that time comes, the relationship basically becomes one big game of 20 questions. Your girlfriend wants to go somewhere interesting, but she (A) wants to have nothing to do at all with where you end up, (B) wants to enjoy herself, and (C) wants you to pay for everything.
The problem, of course, is in actually guessing a destination that your girlfriend will enjoy. If you ask her what she’s in the mood for, you’ll either get a bullshit answer (“I dunno”) or she’ll tell you and immediately get irritated that you didn’t know her well enough to predict what she wanted.
How to deal with it:
Get a calendar. Every four days, make sure you have a different activity planned, and follow through with each day’s activity.
Alternatively, if she asks the question too many times just fill a bag with oranges and swing it around menacingly. “If you ask me that one more time,” you can say, “then this is what we’re doing tonight.”
“What are you thinking?”
What it really means: “Give me an excuse to yell at you.”
No woman, in the history of humankind, has ever given two shits about a man’s thoughts unless it involves him buying her something. Ever. So when she asks you “what are you thinking,” recognize it for the goddamn trap that it is.
There is literally no right answer to this question. If you say you’re thinking about her, she’ll know you’re lying. If you say what you’re really thinking about – usually about what a particular celebrity looks like naked – she’ll get angry. If you say something shallow (“Uh, nothing”), she’ll get angry that you aren’t deep, and if you say something deep, then she’ll feel like you’re totally full of shit.
And just so nobody accuses me of being Carlos Mencia/Eric Bauman, I know that Rondell Sheridan basically did a variation of this complaint during his standup routines.
How to deal with it:
Kiss her on the mouth, really really hard. With any luck, the pain will be enough that she’ll forget what she asked you, and you can go about your business as if nothing happened.
“How was your day?”
What it really means: “Ask me how my day was.”
To be fair, this is not an exclusively female question: wanting to talk about oneself is just as big a part of human nature as wanting to seem like you don’t actually want to talk to yourself. Every person who asks you how your day was may nod and smile, may kindly pretend to listen as you recount the monotonous, depressing sequence of shit that was your day, but they’re really just waiting you to get finished with your goddamn speech so they can tell you about how interesting their day was.
With girlfriends, the stakes are simply higher. If you don’t listen to a friend who tells you about their day, it doesn’t really matter. If you don’t listen to your girlfriend, then you better get used to masturbating alone for the next week and a half. Or buy roses. But fuck that -- what’s a week and a half, anyway?
How to deal with it:
Make the summary of your day short and sweet so she can launch into her diatribe early and get it done quicker. You don’t really need to listen to the actual words she speaks so much as you need to watch her facial expressions. Women’s faces have a tendency to recreate the way they looked during specific parts of a story, and mimicking those facial expressions as she delivers them to you will make you seem like you are not only paying attention, but also extremely interested in her story.
“Don’t our married friends seem happy?”
What it really means: “I want to get married.”
Nine out of ten times the question won’t be phrased like this (or worse, it won’t be a question), but the basic idea remains: your girlfriend is ready for a commitment that no intelligent man should ever, ever want to engage in. The question might be somewhat forgivable if it was even halfway accurate: no, Diane, our married friends don’t seem happy. Rob’s wife definitely seems happy, considering she gets to turn nagging into a full-time job, but there’s a certain…deadness to Rob’s eyes that isn’t really indicative of jubilance.
How to deal with it:
RUN
“Do you love me?”
What it really means: “Lavish me with compliments or I’m leaving you.” OR “I am a clingy psychopath, please dump me.”
We’ve all dated that one chick who says “I love you” after two dates, and those are the chicks who most frequently ask this question. It’s tragic, really – psycho girls are so fun in short bursts, and yet all they want is a long-term commitment. They’re so cute and forgiving and nice and enthusiastic at the beginning of a relationship, but at the halfway point (which, with chicks like this, is usually about a week after you’ve met her) they just lose it. Dating and sex turns into love and marriage.
But still, at least those women are easy to diagnose and treat. It’s much more difficult to handle this question coming from someone you’ve been dating for a long time. Women in such a position usually ask this question because they have low self-esteem, or because their boyfriend is acting distant or selfish.
How to deal with it:
If we’re talking about the psycho chick, the answer is simple (albeit involved): dump her, cut off all contact with her, and change your locks.
If the question is coming from someone you’re in a serious relationship with, no amount of reassuring will make a difference: if words meant anything to her, she wouldn’t have bothered asking in the first place. The only real way to solve this problem is with money. Buy her something. It doesn’t matter what, so long as it’s more than 100 dollars. You can buy her a goddamn fishing rod made of peppermint, so long as you include the receipt to show her the exact dollar value you place on her love.
“Why?”
What it really means: I’m not sure, actually
I haven’t personally had a lot of experience with this question, but I’m told it pops up somewhat frequently. In the same way that toddlers refuse to accept a simple answer to a complex question by constantly asking “why,” women will do the same in an attempt to trick you into saying something that’ll make you look like a moron, so they have an excuse to verbally berate you.
How to deal with it:
As I said, I haven’t personally had any experience with this one, so I can’t be sure. Based on my limited knowledge, however, I would suggest simply leaving the room and doing something else: getting into a “why” conversation with a child only results in making the adult look like a moron, so who’s to say that the same isn’t true when applied to an adult female?
“Do you want to try new things?”
What it really means: “I want to know exactly how much of a pervert you are.”
The word “things” in that sentence refers to sexual experimentation.
While many women are, indeed, freaks in bed, they’re usually not the ones who ask this question. No, Superfreaks tend to be very up front with their sexual freedom, and will never even bother asking you if you’re into something. This question only comes from someone you’ve been dating for a while, who is curious to see exactly how much of your “I’m just a romantic guy who doesn’t just want to bone you” act is true, and how much is total bullshit (usually there’s more of the latter than the former).
Your lady will sound like she’s totally into any kinky sex act you’re into, right up until you actually tell her: once you reveal that your ultimate fantasy is to dress up like an Elizabethan merchant and have your fanny spanked with a wooden oar, your lady will most likely drop the act and yell at you for being the total perv you are.
How to deal with it:
Do NOT say threesomes. EVER. Say something quasi-naughty, but not depraved: suggest a schoolgirl outfit, or make reference to “role-playing” without specifically stating what roles you want each partner to play. Keep it vague, because it’s not like she’ll follow up on those desire anyway: after this question has been asked, your answer basically just serves as damage control.
“How come we don’t ________ anymore?”
What it really means: “You’re getting boring, and I am going to cheat on you next week if you don’t do something interesting soon.”
If you’ve managed to stay with a woman long enough to hear this question, congratulations: you have more patience and self-control than most men will ever know. This question (hopefully) doesn’t pop up until after a few years of dating, at which point every story has been told, every sexual position has been attempted, and you’ve gone to about a hundred different places on dates without managing to find anywhere interesting. You usually hear this after getting married, which means you haven’t listened to any of the above advice – in which case, we can’t really help you.
How to deal with it:
At this point, the relationship is pretty much dead. You can either do something drastic like plan a vacation in Venice, but the novelty of such a diversion will wear off shortly after returning home. Your only two options are to ride out the misery for years and years simply because you have nowhere else to go (like my grandparents did), or to find a really dramatic way of permanently ending your relationship. My personal suggestion: wait until you’re positive that your girlfriend is cheating on you (which, statistically, she is cheating on you), and simply catch her in the act. You’ll finally get an excuse to yell all those obscenities at her you’ve been building up over the years. And the best part?
You’ll never have to answer one of these questions that aren’t really questions ever again.
New Computer Viruses To Watch Out For...
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
VINCE FOSTER VIRUS: The Clintons’ aides show up an hour after your “suicide” and take your files. Takes at least six months to get what’s left of them back.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by
LAN, twice if by C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it
requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5
percent margin of error.)
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints “Oh no you don’t” whenever you choose “Abort” from the “Abort” “Retry” “Fail” message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the
other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.
ROSE LAW FIRM VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data wont appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish
anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
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