Friday, April 20, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Elf Pick-Up Lines...
* "Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful knees?"
* "We don't see many happenin' ladies north of the Arctic Circle."
* "That's quite a set of ornaments you've got there."
* "Just because a guy wears tights doesn't mean he's gay."
* "One night with me, baby, and you'll be sneezin' tinsel."
* "Why, yes, I am George Stephanopoulos."
* "I can't tell you how hard it is to be the only elf who's Jewish."
* "Not everything about me is tiny."
* "That's not Elmo, but don't stop tickling."
* "I'm down here!"
* "Just because I have bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy."
* "I was once a lawn ornament for Brad Pitt."
* "No, no, I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks at Keebler."
* "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."
* "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners."
* "I taught Santa everything he knows."
* "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
* "I'm free on Christmas Eve."
* "Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."
* "I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."
* "You know what they say about guys with big ears."
* "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."
* "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys."
* "I can get you off the naughty list."
40 Reasons to Get Drunk Tonight...
1. If you don’t drink that booze, by God, someone else will.
2. The brewing industry alone employs 1.7 million people and that’s a lot of mouths to feed.
3. Bad ass nicknames like “Chuggybear,” “The Alabama Hamma,” “Pukey McPukerson” are not awarded to people who stay home to do laundry.
4. Your favorite bar stool needs just one more sitting to break it in.
5. This is the one and only night your soul mate will wander into the bar. Seriously.
6. Word on the street is the booze has been trash talking you all day.
7. Without your brilliant wit and charm all those poor bartenders will be so dreadfully bored.
8. Dude, after what you did last time, you gotta go back out there and explain yourself.
9. It’s far better to have a good time you won’t remember than a dull one you will.
10. Remember that English high school teacher you and your pals used to call “Mr. McTightass?” You are so starting to remind me of him.
11. You can bet something really important and worthy of celebration happened on this day at sometime or another.
12. How the hell can you walk around sober when you’re an insignificant speck in an infinite and uncaring universe?
13. Churchill and FDR got drunk, Hitler didn’t. So what are you, some kind of Nazi?
14. If you don’t you’ll wake up in the morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed, and who the hell wants to go through life acting like a goddamn squirrel?
15. Your friends can’t have a good time without you.
16. Your friends might have a good time without you.
17. The Man says you shouldn’t and you don’t want to upset the Man, eh slavebot?
18. There is a 1000 percent better chance you will land a starring role in the upcoming Paris Hilton video Vegas Orgy.
19. Your lawn is so much more comfortable when you’re loaded.
20. You’re much less likely to remember doing all that embarrassing stuff.
21. That feisty barmaid might finally, you know, pick up on what you’re laying down.
22. Listen, are we down on this goddamn rock to have a good time or watch other people have a good time on TV?
23. Your girlfriend has rented a bunch of chick flicks you can snuggle to.
24. You’re under a lot of stress and if you don’t get crazy drunk you might do something crazy sober.
25. You gotta figure the odds of getting thrown in the drunk tank twice in one month are practically negligible.
26. If you don’t hunt the booze, the booze will surely hunt you.
27. When you write your memoirs you won’t have to go through the hassle of making up a bunch of decadent adventures.
28. Al-Qaeda forbids drinking and since when did you start taking orders from Al-Qaeda?
29. Let’s face it: modern life is a shit storm and booze is the only umbrella without any holes in it.
30. 7-11 nachos with extra cheese substitute and chili only taste good when you can’t remember eating them.
31. You did your goddamn monkey dance for the Man and now you get your monkey treat.
32. God hates the sight of you.
33. God won’t stop staring at you.
34. Your boss gets all weirded out when you get drunk during the day.
35. Three Stooges episodes you’ve watched a hundred times are suddenly hilarious again.
36. The day will come when you will have to single-handedly face death, and there isn’t a person alive who can tell you what will happen next.
37. Hemingway shot himself after being sober for two months.
38. When your coworkers ask “What did you get up to last night?” you can smile all cool like and say “Maaaaaan, you don’t wanna know,” instead of chirping “I alphabetized my DVD collection and found out I have two copies of The Truth About Cats and Dogs! Two!”
39. Remember your childhood dream of meeting a brewery heiress and jet-setting around the world on her dime? You think that’s going to happen while sitting in your goddamn apartment watching Captain Picard surrender the Enterprise for the tenth straight episode?
40. It’s so much easier to ring up those old flames and explain exactly where they went wrong.
As Promised...
Our Egyptian trump card...
The away kit was on...
One for the boys back home...
The fans were there too...
Nice pose Mr...
The superstar...
No.11 it is...
How much beer...?
The opposition...
Their trump card...
But No.4 wasn't scared of him...
From 21 to No.20... 
One last pose...
Doing what he does best...
It was a long game and the result is one to be forgotten...
In the end we decided that the first team to score in the last 5 mins would be the winner and guess what... WE SCORED!!!
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
World's Thinnest Books...
FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
HOW TO HUNT by Dick Cheney
MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL By Hillary Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gat es
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Madonna
MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA 'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS DETROIT : A Travel Guide
A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
BRIDGE TRAVEL by Ted Kennedy
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton
Inquiring Minds Want to Know....
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? yeah, come on you do it too!!
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurts, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Victoria Beckham’s £100k Birthday...
To celebrate Victoria Beckham’s 33rd birthday, David Beckham took her to France for a 12-hour trip which cost £110,000 (over $220,000). After arriving in Paris yesterday, the pair went shopping, looking at jewellery, cameras and obviously clothes. They reportedly spent £70,000 at several shops in the trendy Marais district. Victoria had only been expecting lunch at a Chinese restaurant in Madrid, but instead Becks drove her to the airport where he had spent £25,000 on a private jet. They stayed at the Ritz and ate at the renowned Guy Savoy restaurant where they could eat alone, all this for another £15,000. For my 33rd birthday I was whisked away to a shitty greasy spoon where I dined on Corndogs and Poutine(a delicious french specialty) then off to the pub for some pumpkin ale. What more could you ask for?
Last Night's Attempted Murder...
"It won't go far, I have injured it very badly!" ..... these were the words uttered by Mr X as he stood there with his shoe in his hand. As he made his way up to his room last night, he noticed the LITTLE creature and after a good few strikes this was the result - a tail-less albino lizzard...
Shame on you Mr!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Contronyms...
A synonym is a word that means the same as another. An antonym is a word that means the opposite of another. A contronym is a word that, by some freak of language evolution, are their own antonyms.
Here are a few examples of contronyms:
bolt - secure, run away
cleave - separate, adhere
custom - usual, special
fix - restore, castrate
grade - incline, level
left - remaining, departed from
fast - quick, unmoving
screen - show, hide
weather - withstand, wear away
wind up - end, start up (e.g., a watch)
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