Miss Mendes...

Alpham3 - Bringing You Only The Best...

Geneva Is Close. It's Getting Hot In Here...!

SeXy Swede - Tilde Fröling...

Men Fight Back...

[For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more! The man fights back!! Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead... Long live the Man of 2007. Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is...]

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your arse down a gym;
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down;
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it;
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present... again;
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it;
6. Saturday = Sport. Let it be;
7. Shopping is not a sport;
8. Anything you wear is fine. Really!!!
9. Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don't work;
10. Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes;
11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?;
12. 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers;
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor;
14. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend;
15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance;
16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out;
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument;
18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat!!
19. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them;
20. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay;
21. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one;
22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks;
24. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship;
25. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine;
26. Dieting doesn't work without exercise;
27. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well;
28. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, warm beer and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.;
29. Do not question our sense of direction.

If you can learn the above, then man and woman can co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect. The ball's in your court.

Sincerely,
The Lads

Expressions for High Stress Days...

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Well, aren't we just a ray of f...ing sunshine?
3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like a f...ing people person?
8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
11. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
12. You! Off my planet !
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.
25. Allow me to introduce my selves.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
28. Better living through denial.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
46. It's sick the way you people keep having s.x without me.
47. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
48. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF..k you!

Ali G's Bible & The Ten Commandments...

'ear me now. Me 'ave found dis book called de Bible wot is 100 years old. It was writted by dis bloke called Jason Christ and his dad. It have no pictures and definitely no muff. Trust me, it is well boring. It come in two halves, da Old Testicle and da New Testicle, wot is happarently religious and people 'ave been fighting for millions of years about which testicle is da best.
Anyway, about 2 billion years ago dis bloke called Moses went up a mountain in Spain and dropped two tablets. Dey must have been class A's coz he came down wiv some seriously mental ideaz. Dey was called Da 10 Commandments, an dey iz 13 laws dat has been da basis of society ever since. Even da dinosaurs 'ad to learn them altho very few of dem hactually practisd dem an dat is why dey died of de Aids an also why Jurassic Park appened.

Ere is wot dey say (not de dinosaurs hobviously - coz dey spoke in Dog). Also I has remixed dem for da new millenium.

Da old Commandments:
1) I am the Lord, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
2) Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
3) Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain.
4) Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. On the seventh day thou shalt not work.
5) Honour thy Father and thy Mother.
6) Thou shalt not kill.
7) Thou shalt not commit adultery.
8) Thou shalt not steal.
9) Thou shalt not bear false witness.
10) Thou shalt not covert thy neighbour's ass.

Da New Commandments:
1) I iz da macdaddy, who iz taken u out of the county of Barkshire, u iz all me hoes, an if u iz up 4 it me is well into bondage.
2) Westside.
3) Do not dis Tupac.
4) Remeber every second Friday in every moth coz dat iz when me hold de jungle all-nita at de Crooked Billet in Iver Heath - 5 squid on da door, first 1000 ladies free.
5) Respec your Nan.
6) Thou shalt not do drive-bys.
7) Thou shalt not commit adultery (unless she iz well fit).
8) Thou shalt not deal.
9) Thou shalt not wear false titties.
10) Thou shalt not cover up thy batty (unless you iz a man or you iz a minger).

Latina Queen...

A Special Request by "The Best"...

All You Haters, Please F**K OFF!

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Hey There...

What Time Does To You...

Here are a few examples of before and after you fall in love:

BEFORE - You take my breath away
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating

BEFORE - Twice a night
AFTER - Twice a month

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football

BEFORE - Don't stop
AFTER - Don't start

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream
AFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm

BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem

BEFORE - Turbocharged
AFTER - Jumpstart

BEFORE - We agree on everything
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom

BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl

BEFORE - Feathers and handcuffs
AFTER - Ball and chain

BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves
AFTER - I never said you were fat

BEFORE - He's completely lost without me
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE - Time stood still
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere

BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing

BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Ration

BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end

Kirsty Gallacher is So Damn Fine...

Angelina Jolie in Pakistan...

Yummy Yamila...

"Spectator Value"

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