Friday, February 01, 2008
Irish Medical Dictionary...
Anorexia: Polish Film Star
Artery: The Study of Paintings
Bacteria: Rear entrance to Cafeteria
Caesarean Section: Neighbourhood in Rome
Cauterize: Make eye contact with her
CATSCAN: Search for Kitty
Coma: Punctuation Mark
D&C: Where the U.S. Capitol is
Dilate: To live longer
Enema Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Fibula: A small lie
Genital: Not a Jew
Hang Nail: Coat hook
Impotent: Distinguished - well known
Labour pain: Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff: Doctor's Cane
Morbid: A higher offer
NIT Rates: Cheaper than day rates
Outpatient: A patient who has fainted
Pap Smear: Paternity test
Pelvis: Cousin of Elvis
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery
Rectum: The end
Secretion: Hiding something
Seizure: Roman Emperor
Tablet: A small table
Terminal illness: Getting sick at the Airport
Tumour: More than one
Urine: Opposite of 'you're out'
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited
Thursday, January 31, 2008
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Universal Truths...
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
8) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
9) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
10) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
11) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.
12) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
13) You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
14) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
You Never Know...
Watch the man on the left walking, crossing the road where there is no car.
It is so definite that the coast on the left is clear, and safe to cross. Any person would see it is safe….
Take nothing for granted, not even for a split second! Be grateful for every living minute.
Luckily the guy survived. Details here
Little Johnny...
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, ‘Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.’
Little Johnny replied, ‘My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.’
The man asked, ‘Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?’
Little Johnny answered, ‘No, he minded his own f……. business.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Blondes...
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.
The redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again".
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend"?
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air".
The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase"?
My Cousin...
My cousin owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in
Miami, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip
to Italy to check out the merchandise himself And because he was still
single, he could check out all the hot Italian women and maybe get
lucky.
As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a
beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke
English–neither understood a word the other spoke. So he took out a
pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded
her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture
of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded. So they
went to dinner.
After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to
several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.
It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a
picture of a four-poster bed.
He was dumbfounded. To this day says that he’s never been able to
understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
The Irishman and the Priest...
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran ov er to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Monday, January 28, 2008
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