A is for Alimony … the gift that keeps on giving.
B is for Balls … which are now ours again.
C is for Court … where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.
D is for Divorce … the alternative to axe murder.
E is for Equitable Distribution … another oxymoron.
F is for Flatulence … finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.
G is for Gandhi…someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.
H is for House … which the bitch also got.
I is for Inmate … where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.
J is for Jewellery … the former great equalizer.
K is for Kids … the best of everything.
L is for Lawyer … whose most recent vacation you just paid for.
M is for Mother … and Oh what a Mother Fucker!!
N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.
O is for Overdrawn … what your checking account always was.
P is for PMS … what we say: “No, honey, you don’t look like you’re retaining water.” …what we mean, “No wonder there’s a citywide drought.”
Q is for Quarter … what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.
R is for Rehearsal Dinner … should never have stayed for dessert.
S is for Sex … thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.
T is for Throat … the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.
U is for UPS … the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.
V is for Visa … one of several cards she maxed out.
W is for Wrong … which you always were.
X is for X chromosome … I swear some women have more than two!
Y is for Yacht … maybe the next guy will have one.
Z is for Zirconium … I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
The ABC's of Ex-Wives...
Law's Of Life...
* The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
* The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
* The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
* The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
* The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
* The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
* Boob’s Law
You always find something in the last place you look.
* Weiler’s Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
* Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
* Law of Volunteer Labour
People are always available for work in the past tense.
* Conway’s Law
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
* Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.
* Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.
* Law of Drunkenness
You can’t fall off the floor.
* Heller’s Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.
* Osborne’s Law
Variables won’t; constants aren’t.
* Weinberg’s Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
Life's Biggest Problems...
1. Tunnel Vision : The tendency to focus only on the immediate crisis or sore spot . Under stress, things look worse or more complex than they really are.
The solution
Perspective : Ask if it will matter in 6 months . Ask what else is going on? How did I create this situation and, in an ideal world, what would I like to do about it?
2. Fear : The anxiety or terror that things will go badly, that we will fail or be embarrassed.
The solution
Humour and Curiosity : Modern life has very few sabre-tooth tigers . The situation is rarely life or death . Ask, What's the worst that can happen? What's the best? What can I learn? What would I do if I had no fear?
3. Confusion : The sense of being lost or unclear about our direction . The sense that we don't know our own priorities anymore.
The solution
Responsible Choices : Choose your values and priorities and set your own path . Your life is yours . Check your moral compass, pick a direction and do something extraordinary!
4. Guilt : The belief that we have hurt or failed or sinned and deserve punishment . Guilt is either accurate, because sometimes we do behave badly, or it is false and simply an illusion.
The solution
If we have transgressed, we must make restitution, ask forgiveness, learn from our error and move on . If it is false guilt, set it down as an unnecessary and irrational burden.
5. Shame : The belief that we are worth-less than others, that we have a terrible, incurable flaw . It is not that we have done something wrong (guilt), but that we are bad or wrong.
The solution
Clear, rational thinking : Everyone has behaved badly, but no one was created badly! Any flaws only serve to make you stronger, more heroic or more compassionate toward others.
6. Loneliness : The belief that no one loves us, that no one cares and we must desperately cling to anyone who finds us attractive or acceptable . This creates dependency, not intimacy.
The solution
Accurate Self-Assessment : Not everyone will love you, but many people will if they meet you, get to know you, and spend time working/playing along side you.
7. Resentment : Holding anger and refusing to move beyond real or imagined mistreatment in the past . Some people spend their whole lives as "victims", nurturing a terrible event in their past.
The solution
Let go! Life is not fair and people do not always behave well or kindly . Use your trauma to make you wise, kind, gentle, and strong . Holding anger will not work.
8. Self-Doubt : The repeated, endless questioning of your own abilities, opinions or actions . The inability to take a stand, to act boldly, or to follow-through.
The solution
Action! Think clearly, then take action and follow-through : Start small, but do it! You are the world's expert on your life! Use your wisdom to live well.
9. Stubbornness : The refusal or inability to re-assess a situation, change your mind, or admit you were wrong.
The solution
Wisdom and Humility : Only a fool stays on a course that is headed for disaster! Search for new and better information, remain flexible, open and creative . When the situation changes, adjust accordingly and set a new course.
10. Addiction : Humans become addicted to drugs, but we also become addicted to our jobs, our opinions or our lifestyle . We can be addicted to people and need them rather than love them.
The solution
Take a vacation! Periodically, walk in someone else's shoes . Break your habits, re-arrange your schedule, delegate those things that only you can do "right" . Use habits and traditions to set you free, don't let habits enslave you!
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Ebook of the Week: Essential Business Process Modeling...
Essential Business Process Modeling:
Ten years ago, groupware bundled with email and calendar applications helped track the flow of work from person to person within an organization. Workflow in today's enterprise means more monitoring and orchestrating massive systems. A new technology called Business Process Management, or BPM, helps software architects and developers design, code, run, administer, and monitor complex network-based business processes BPM replaces those sketchy flowchart diagrams that business analysts draw on whiteboards with a precise model that uses standard graphical and XML representations, and an architecture that allows it converse with other services, systems, and users.Sound complicated? It is. But it's downright frustrating when you have to search the Web for every little piece of information vital to the process. Essential Business Process Modeling gathers all the concepts, design, architecture, and standard specifications of BPM into one concise book, and offers hands-on examples that illustrate BPM's approach to process notation, execution, administration and monitoring.
Ancient Fortress on an Island...
Monday, August 06, 2007
Cops Force Thief to Eat 40 Bananas...
Sheikh Mohsin, 35, grabbed the 45,000-rupee ($1300) necklace from a woman in the eastern city of Kolkata yesterday and popped it into his mouth when police and local residents caught him.
“He denied swallowing it at all, but an X-ray conducted in a hospital revealed the necklace was very much in his stomach,” Ajay Kumar, a leading city detective, told Reuters.
Visitors
