Friday, September 28, 2007
Fun Thoughts...
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
So what's the speed of dark?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the otherway?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we usethem?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
A Doctor and a Lawyer...
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However,their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.After an hour of this,the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do u do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?""I give it to them", replied the lawyer, "and then i send them a bill".The doctor was shocked,but agreed to give it a try.The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
The Crash...
A police officer came upon a terrible car crash where two people had been killed. As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.
"You can understand what I'm saying?"asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nodded.
"Well, did you see what happened?"
The monkey nodded. He pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey nodded. The monkey then pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking deeply.
"They were smoking marijuana too?" asked the officer.
The monkey nodded. He made a sexual sign with his fingers
"So they were playing around as well!?" asked the astounded officer.
Again, the monkey nodded.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and playing around before they wrecked the car?"
The monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the officer.
The monkey held up his hands on an imaginary steering wheel.
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