Thursday, August 23, 2007
24 Hour to Live...
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny.... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
Our Lifetime in Numbers...
Life expectancy – 78.5 years or 2,475,576,000 seconds
Words Spoken in Lifetime - 123,205,750
Friendships – 1,700 Baths – 7,163 Dreams – 104,390
Beef and Veal consumed - 4.5 cows per person
Chickens consumed – 1,201
Potatoes consumed - 2,327 kilos
Chocolate - 10,354 bars
Baked Beans – 845 tins
Farts – 35,815 litres of wind
Soap – 656
Toothpaste -276
Deodorant – 272, Shampoo – 198
Beer – 10,351 pints
Wine – 1,694 bottles
Vomit produced – 149 litres
Sex - 4,239 times
Holidays - 59 trips
Groaners...
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
17. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
19. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
20. ...And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Child Mullets...
It definitely raises ethical issues.
It's a defenseless child, being shaped and 'mullded' into a life knowing nothing other than the mullet.
It's a defenseless child, being shaped and 'mullded' into a life knowing nothing other than the mullet.
SuperDaad...
A 78-year old one-legged Emirati father is lining up his next two wives in a bid to reach his target of 100 children by 2015. Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman, 60, has already had 15 brides although he has to divorce them as he goes along to remain within the legal limit of four wives at a time.
In 2015 I will be 68 years old and will have 100 children, Abdul Rahman said. After that I will stop marrying. I have to have at least three more marriages to hit the century.
How NOT to Get Ripped at the Gym...
When a large enough group of people believe in something, that thing usually becomes the truth even when that is not the case at all. There are many fitness myths out there that a lot of people think is true. In my last article, I wrote about 14 simple things we can do to change our body for the better. Applying even just one or two of the concepts mentioned in my previous article will go a long way in making you fitter. In this article, we will be exposing all these fitness myths that are actually stopping you from attaining your goals!
Muscle will turn into fat. This extremely popular fitness myth goes two ways. If you're fat and you hit the gym, your fats will shape themselves to give you the physique of a Greek God. When you stop training, your muscles will then turn into fat. The actual truth is that muscle and fat are actually two different types of cells in our body. Fat cannot turn into muscle and muscle cannot turn into fat. However, you can burn fat and build muscle. Someone who stops going to the gym will shrink in size as each muscle cell becomes thinner. They will only become fat if they eat the same amount of food, and the excess calories get converted to fat and are then stored in fat cells. (Muscle Turns into Fat)
Doing lots of crunches will give you a toned midsection. If you're working out, one thing that you will definitely want is a toned midsection, whether it be a ripped six-pack for guys or a flat stomach for girls. Yet again, this is another myth that is misunderstood. In our quest to achieve this, we will do a lot of crunches and sit-ups in hopes of burning away abdominal fat. You will find over time that you can never achieve your goals no matter how hard you try. Doing lots of crunches do not burn fat off your stomach. If anything, you might actually see a slight increase in your waistline due to the muscles growing underneath the fat.
Muscle will turn into fat. This extremely popular fitness myth goes two ways. If you're fat and you hit the gym, your fats will shape themselves to give you the physique of a Greek God. When you stop training, your muscles will then turn into fat. The actual truth is that muscle and fat are actually two different types of cells in our body. Fat cannot turn into muscle and muscle cannot turn into fat. However, you can burn fat and build muscle. Someone who stops going to the gym will shrink in size as each muscle cell becomes thinner. They will only become fat if they eat the same amount of food, and the excess calories get converted to fat and are then stored in fat cells. (Muscle Turns into Fat)
Doing lots of crunches will give you a toned midsection. If you're working out, one thing that you will definitely want is a toned midsection, whether it be a ripped six-pack for guys or a flat stomach for girls. Yet again, this is another myth that is misunderstood. In our quest to achieve this, we will do a lot of crunches and sit-ups in hopes of burning away abdominal fat. You will find over time that you can never achieve your goals no matter how hard you try. Doing lots of crunches do not burn fat off your stomach. If anything, you might actually see a slight increase in your waistline due to the muscles growing underneath the fat.
Spot reduction. This is a broader version of the previous myth. General belief is that if you have fat arms, then do more arms exercise to tone the area and burn fat. Likewise, the same goes for other parts like the calves and of course, the stomach. In reality, there is no such thing as spot reduction. You cannot reduce fat from a certain target area, it has to be overall. Doing exercises will strengthen and build the muscles, but if you want fat loss, you would have to consider some cardiovascular activities instead.
Lifting weights will make girls big. This is one very common myth that almost all of my girl-friends believe in. This is not true because firstly, the physical makeup of women makes it almost impossible to be muscular. Guys have a lot more testosterone (male muscle building hormone) than girls, and even so, there are many guys who hit the gym yet do not even look remotely possible as having visited the gym before. Most of the muscular women out we see on television are the exceptional. These are the people who have specialised personal training, lots of supplments, and maybe even steroids to help them achieve this physique. Weight lifting actually has many benefits that can help in your weight loss routine, such as increased metabolism, bone mass and strength.
Eating fat makes you fat. A lot of people consume too little fat because they are afraid it will make them fat. Fat is actually very important in maintaing a balanced diet. It is excess calories that makes you fat. Anything that causes large amounts of insulin to be released into your blood makes you fat too, like donuts, ice cream and soda.
If I skip breakfast, I'll be thinner. This is one myth that was mentioned in my previous article, but I felt that it is so commonly misunderstood that it is worth another mention.Breakfast jumpstarts your metabolism and makes you energetic. Skipping breakfast will make you feel hungrier throughout the day, which will actually cause you to eat more!
The Queen's Court...
Annually The Queen of England has her picture taken with her personal guards. It usually gets published in Newspapers in England. I rather think that this one was picked up by many papers and-or magazines and we may see it around everywhere. Somehow, I think that her Right-Hand Man is not going to have his job much longer!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
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