A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean). The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?"
A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."
Thursday, September 06, 2007
True Stories from the Emergency Room...
10 Big Lessons from Little Kids...
1. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Even when there’s not a prize in the bottom of the box.
2. Homework blows. Bring work home with you and it’ll ruin your night. And your marriage. And your family. And your life.
3. The only way to know how something works is to completely disassemble it. (This is still good advice when tackling a complex problem. Your plasma TV? Not so much).
4. There’s a reason they don’t give credit cards to 8-year-olds. You’re supposed to save up money before you buy a new toy.
5. Asking questions is how you figure things out. Lots and lots of questions.
6. The coolest adults were the ones who took the time to listen to you. You still want to grow up to be a cool adult, right?
7. Your body was designed for throwing baseballs, shooting hoops, and jumping off diving boards and stuff. In the secret language of children, the word “fitness” doesn’t exist. It’s called “having fun.”
8. Playtime is important and laughter feels good.
9. Too much of anything will give you a tummy ache. Like, say, bourbon.
10. Try to be the friend you were when you were 12: fun-loving and loyal, with no strings attached.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Damn Wind...
A priest is playing golf, followed by his devoted caddie. He takes a swing and hits the ball. But while in the air, the wind starts to blow and the balls falls in a lake. The priest, very mad, says, "damn wind!!"
The caddie, surprised, says "Sir, please, why did you say such profanity?!" The priest asks the caddie to forgive him, gets on his knees and prays for forgiveness from God.
A little later, the priest hits another good drive. Again, the wind starts to blow and this time the ball falls in the woods. The priest sighs and again, says : "damn wind!!" The caddie, just as surprised as the first time, says, "Sir, please, do stop saying such profanity!" The priest then looks at his caddie, and raises his hands towards the sky, asking God to forgive him.
Suddenly, the sky covers with grey and dark clouds, there's a clap of thunder, and a lightning bolt strikes the caddie to death.
The priest, not believing his eyes, falls to his knees and screams to the sky : "Oh Lord, what has this poor man done to make you so mad? God, I am the one who sinned! My poor caddie did not deserve such a death!"
Then, a loud roar came from the sky. The priest hid his head under his arms, scared of dying, only to hear a loud voice say, "damn wind!!!!"
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