Friday, July 21, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Why Women Are Like Football Pitches..
1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should.
18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.
21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.
22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.
23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits).
That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Monday, July 17, 2006
Friday, July 14, 2006
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Metarazzi tweaked his nipple!
What was he thinking?! I couldn't believe it and sat numb for a few minutes as the realization set in that what should've been a fitting end to a glorious career, turned into a horrible, horrible nightmare.Football is a funny old game. Zidane's future was decided by two unrelated incidents separated by minutes. Had his first header found the back of the net, the French would've been celebrating yet another world cup and would owe it all to the greatest footballer of our generation, Zinedine Zidane. As it turns out, his header was saved, and his second header unfortunately was on Metarazzi's chest.The most logical explanation seems to be that Materazzi was taking the piss out of Zidane for his header which Buffon saved minutes earlier, a bit of gentle teasing, which Zidane laughs off. Then as Zidane walks away, Materazzi adds snidely 'I'll give you a lesson in heading like my goal'. Zidane responds by demonstrating to Materazzi he can head just fine thanks.
World Cup Awards!
Advertisers of the World Cup: Asda. Having originally signed up Wayne Rooney to be the face of their World Cup advertisement blitz, they then swapped to Michael Owen in late April after deciding that Rooney wouldn't recover from his broken foot in time - only for Rooney to return ahead of schedule and Owen to be crocked against Sweden following two miserable performances.
Defining Image of the World Cup: Zinedine Zidane's shockingly-violent head-butt (although, naturally, the technique was exemplary). After watching the forlorn France captain walk past the World Cup trophy, you just knew Italy would win on penalties. What a way to end a career.
Runner-Up: Cristiano Ronaldo's wink. Whatever its meaning, it perfectly captured the essence of a sneaky, cynical and mean-spirited tournament.
Finale of the World Cup: Italy's last-gasp victory over Germany. After 118 minutes of goalless action, the Azzuri produced two brilliantly-constructed goals in as many minutes to throw the hosts out of their own party.
Flop of the World Cup: Frank Lampard. 25 reasons why he should not be regarded as the second-best player in the world are now available.
Runner-Up: Ronaldinho. Did he produce anything worthy of note?
Goal of the Tournament: Argentina's 24-pass, nine-man navigation through the remnants of the Serbian defence.
Runner-Up: Fabio Grosso's 118th-minute strike against Germany. An unsaveable curler into the far corner that was still overshadowed by the simple brilliance of Andrea Pirlo's beautifully-weighted reverse pass.
Man-Marker of the World Cup: Roberto Carlos. Last spotted on the edge of the 18-yard box along with half-a-dozen Brazilian colleagues while Thierry Henry rifled in France's winner from close range.
Runner-Up: Sven-Goran Eriksson. Once linked with Real Madrid, ManYoo and Chelski, it is a measure of how rapidly his stock has collapsed in the past years that Sven is now linked with Aston Villa, Jamaica and 'a Champions League team'.
Stupidest Player of the World Cup: Alexander Frei. Booked for a handball against France that denied Swiss team-mate Djourou a clear header in front of an open goal from approximately one yard in the 92nd minute. How different France's World Cup might have been but for Frei's ridiculous stupidity.
Runner-Up: Zinédine Zidane. And how different the World Cup final may have been if Zidane didn't sully his career with that headbutt.
Team of the World Cup: Buffon (Italy); Roberto Ayala (Argentina), Rafael Marquez (Mexico), Fabio Cannavaro (Italy), Philip Lahm (Germany); Esteban Cambiasso (Argentina), Patrick Vieira (France), Zinedine Zidane (France), Arjen Robben (Holland); Miroslav Klose (Germany), Fernando Torres (Spain).
Unnecessary Job of the World Cup: The fifth official. Permanently on stand-by to lift the scoreboard in the unlikely event of the fourth official suffering muscle cramps in both his arms.
Villain of the World Cup: Winking winger Cristiano Ronaldo. His theatrics = whether the perennial diving, his preaching to the referee or that infamous wink itself - were the embodiment of all that was wrong and sly with a tournamental all-too regularly besmirched by ugliness.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
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